King Solomon was faced with an impossible decision. Two women claimed to be the rightful mother of a single surviving baby. With no forensic evidence, he had to decide which mother was the true mother and which one he should give the baby to. His response to the two insistent women was that he would cut the baby in half, so each could have a half.
I often reflect on that piece of biblical wisdom as I work with children and parents engaged in highly contentious divorces. While I would hope that both of the biblical mothers loved the baby, I do know that the parents I see love their children. Yet, unwittingly they often tear their children apart over the smallest of issues.
So, what is the root of this? I have given enormous thought to this-searching through my mental files of parenting, child development and attachment theories. I’m not sure I have answers but I certainly have hypotheses.
In the mid 20th century, in the rare cases a couple divorced, custody of the children almost universally was awarded to the mothers. At that time, a high percentage of women stayed home to raise the family while the men earned a living. The Women’s Lib movement of the 1960s mobilized a change in family dynamics. As a result, more women began to work outside of the home, which necessitated a greater involvement in child care on the part of the fathers. One of the benefits of this cultural inversion was that men began to explore their more nurturing sides as it was no longer considered unmanly to be emotional.
This was a win all around. Women entered the career world, men entered the world of parenting, and everyone-parents and children reaped the rewards. Until…marriages began to fail at an unprecedented rate. Since fathers had developed more complex attachments to their children and were deeply involved in their daily lives, they were no longer satisfied with the previously allotted four days a month on alternate weekends with their children. They wanted shared custody-fifty percent of the time with the children. Mothers, at the same time, were guided by that ingrained maternal instinct that dictated that the mother should have the majority of the time to raise the children and comfort them through a difficult transition.
This is what brings parents to loggerheads. The foundational issue becomes custody time.
The hurt, fear, anger and insecurity that surfaces in a divorce is acted out in superficial ways surrounding custody issues. Disagreements about bedtimes, diet, extracurricular activities, clothing, phone time, toys, household rules, you name it, become huge battles that find their way into courtrooms at great financial and emotional expense. Perspectives shift in untoward ways as the position of each parent becomes imbued with sinister motives. It becomes less about the issue and more about the win. Suspicions arise that the ‘other’ is taking a stance simply to antagonize the one.
Unfortunately, too often the children become entangled in the parents’ war. They are asked to recount to each parent what transpires with the other parent, they are charged with the responsibility for ensuring the clothes and toys end up in the “proper” household. They are asked to make decisions that will reflect one or the other parent’s preferences. I have seen children that are caught up in these situations tell each parent what they have discerned that parent wants to hear while telling the other parent the total opposite.
Children in these circumstances lose themselves in the effort to please and garner love and approval from their warring parents. The children become the rope in the parents’ tug of war. Children are very attuned to the energies between their parents and all of the above hurts them. And this is when the ‘babies’ are cut in half.
The question I always ask the parents is: “Do you love your children more than you hate your ex?” Think about it. It is understandable that parents make mistakes in such intensely emotional situations. If you begin to notice your children acting out or showing signs of stress, it may be time for some self-reflection to determine if you are bringing your own pain of the divorce into your child’s domain.
Love your children more than you hate your ex.
